Breathe in, breathe out.

Way too many ups and downs recently. Sudden state of melancholy after feeling very excited over things . There is so much that I want to change about myself. I need to stop procrastinating, start replying messages (!!!) and stop lagging. This was after the realization that karma is biting my ass back. Owellz back to acquaintances again. Don't know why he freaking initiates AND DOESN'T BOTHER REPLYING. Time difference isn't a good enough reason for a 48hr and counting lag grrrrr. Getting more and more intimidated whenever I walk around in school. Hate the fact that I still don't know my way around. And am in a place with so many foreigners I feel like Im the minority. AND FEELING STUPID. CY was telling M the elitist way of thinking so as to cope with this stress but I don't even think it will help. I don't think where we come from matters here actually. Unless we get special treatment like what S says, AC boys help to polish RJ girls' shoes hahahahah (Y) Yea ...

Argh time to file flea fly foul fume (sanity hmmm)

A week ago, i studied with S and we became inefficient ppl when we started talking hahaha. We didn't gossip at all (so unlike me hahahaha) but rather it was the more serious kind of htht and i learnt alot from her, like putting things into perspectives, seeing the other side of ppl, not putting someone down and casting him to the other side of the island after just one unhappy isolated incident. Oh and a few days back i met another S on my way home and we started catching up ^^ funny thing how ppl drift so much but yet when i see her, we have so much to talk abt. I like her never-say-die attitude and how she remains so optimistic (up till now omg) even when she has a jackass boyfriend (Boys are stupid. Throw rocks at them! -David and goliath slogan hahaha). Then she kind of reminded me of alot of my very farfetched ambitions back then in sec 4. Pilot etc etc. I went home to read my diary and found out i mentioned 'to aspire to be a cool spinster' under my ambitions page HAH...

Priscilla Ahn - Dream Now I’m old and feeling gray I don’t know what’s left to say About this life I’m willing to leave I lived it full and I lived it well There’s many tales I’ve lived to tell I’m ready now, I’m ready now I’m ready now to fly from the highest wing I had a dream cos my lucky underpants failed me so now im back to square one but i'll keep on trying, keep on going, keep on pushing cos there's nothing for me to lose. and no, i don't have any lucky underpants for that matter hurrrrr.

Very very very stressed. The probability of failing both gp and econs is very high. Argh and when the stress level shoots up, my temper becomes rly uh, spicy? Should turn into an anti-social being now and make myself non-existent so ppl don't rly need to bear the brunt of my temper. I watched the news ytd. That live footage of the tour bus incident in philippines made me Very Annoyed. 10 freaking hours for the police to shoot down that guy?! It's like you think you can negotiate with the gunman, so after you realized you can't and the situation gets out of control, you try a last ditch attempt to kill him to minimize the loss of lives. I think the gunman wanted money/his job back, why couldn't they just agree? Just satisfy his wants, it's not too overboard yet (i feel) and they can just arrest him after he releases the hostages? And when the gunman killed the first hostage, i think that gives you the sign that the situation is out of hand AND the gunman won't sp...

There's too much on my mind right now, i worry so much, way too much. Why can't life be much simpler, i'd rather be in sec 4 o levels than now. Everything's tied to that piece of paper. At least i'm glad i'm not tied down with uni apps because i prefer studying in sgp, with my family with me. But the old ones insist on a back up plan overseas, in case i fail in plan a. Plan b for me is sth that i will probably enjoy doing as well. Tables. Numbers. Figures. But they're against it. Ah fml. Not making the progress that i wish to make. I feel like i've burnt out alr?!?!

Was messaging a friend and it was a rather sombre conversation cos we were emoing abt our own failures. Yea i realized my CT results aren't as bad as what he's experiencing now. Fractured ankle ouch. Later on when i went to check quote-book, the first quote i saw was: Don't be discouraged. It's often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock. How apt. Love how quote-book somehow has quotes that you come across each day that seems so profound and so apt in describing your emotions <3 All the comfort food the past few days has resulted in massive weight gain, along with the unnecessay naps that're a waste of productive hours and it's turning me into a nocturnal owl. I'm losing faith so quickly. Mundane sleepy gluttony days drag on to months. Months to years.

a night without stars a sleep without dreams Pw results today. Thankful. Very. Whole group made it through :) Yes there's always this second chance in life, pick yourself up after your failures, learn from your mistakes etc. But wth why do other ppl only believe that there's only one shot in life, it's either you make it or break it. So confusing, and demoralizing. I've been told by someone that's i've been quite angsty of late. I'll try to changeeeee D:

''People hold on to something because they fear that nothing great will ever happen to them again.'' For my case, there's nothing even THAT 'great' to hold onto. Very highly inefficient ppl indeed. But who am i to criticize them? Screw you screw you screw you. But swearing is OKAY, so screw this. Sometimes i think you'll be happier if i... Nvm that's just a hypothesis. after CTS, there's this sense of inferiority, like i can nvr match up to the class standard now, everyone's smarter, everyone's more hardworking. Then it all boils down to time management. There are ppl who still do so well, councillors, sports team players, so wth is wrong with my time management. Maybe extra commitments that i won't ever get a chance to shrug off hurhur.

FailureS. Crazy. Stressed. Tired. Wimpy. Fml fml fml. Damnit. Sleep at 4am and th next morning my eye hurts like shit. Wasted pe lesson and all th breaks. I'm running out of time screw this.

Learn to be more tolerant. Yes that's what i need to do. Cos certain people have terribly bad tempers, are darn rude, inconsiderate etc, all th more you should ignore them. After all, all they want is that lil bit of attention isn't it? Pathetic creatures.

2009 came by and went so fast, leaving behind a hell lot of memorable (and some i-rly-want-to-forget-asap) events. Entering RJ. Yes, it's been a right choice, but I feel I've became like more apathetic (?). I seemed to have lost my initial goals in life i.e. *cough* pilot+vet+gynae+pedophile. Like in SC, I wanted to go to RJ because of the presence of a certain someone , the uniform and RJ's really cool blocks. Then I was really glad that I was in 6M cos there were altogether 4 of us SC girls, cos SC girls=gossip+bitch+good listening ears+open muggers+cute guys lookout partners. Yeah cos gradually I soon came to realize that closet muggers indeed exist in RJ. So weird right, but I like it that 6M has a lot of JAE students who are pretty easy to talk to, bitch to and confide in as well. And yes, of course, REALLY HELPFUL. Despite how stressful and mugger our class is, I'm rly rly rly thankful for such classmates cos I turn to them most of the time to complain and compl...

Don't dwell on the past. Your history can't be erased, but your future has yet to be written. Make the most of what's going to happen instead of worrying about what you can't change. Don't waste your time being sad, because you're wasting away moments in which you could be happy. (-via runawaytrain ) I spent my whole afternoon clearing up all my old msn chat logs, some random unclassified documents and started reminiscing a bit. Forgiving is easy, but forgetting is the difficult part I realized. Once bitten, twice shy, you won't ever fully trust the person who's hurt you once. There's this distinct line drawn that separates you from him; he can't ever cross that line. School's starting soon. Wow all the homework pile, plus SAT preparation (!!!). To top the list, I still haven't figured out what exactly I would like to see myself as in 10 years time. Vet? Pilot? Gynae? Dentist? Argh. Okay there's still another year to decide... I envy ...

All those hallucinations. Like those flashes of weird visions. I pictured your death. It's freaky. But better than drowning i guess... I feel yucky i don't want to go to school tmr. Like i'm radiating heat but i'm shivering. T.T And there, the mask comes on again. H3 math tmr again. Nooooo

Today's H3 math was scary. Cold jokes which only th RA kids understand. *coughs* Lecture notes which don't give you space to write answers to th examples. Proving questions using uh, contrapositive and whatever shitty methods. Bryan and his friend made some bet, like see whether their combined H3 math scores can beat Ivan's. Haha 100 bucks on that! Okay nevertheless, i've heard how chem is super content based, and physics was easy? Math is ... For those with math-blood. Yea. I agree T.T But heck, I'LL PERSEVERE.

today's romantic dinner for my brother and i was prepared by yours truly. One casserole of rice mixed with jap seasoning and instant miso soup. I forgot i have a brother with a huge appetite, so he finished all th rice, leaving me with like 3 spoonfuls -.- Hmmm apart from food, school's okay. Pw's finally over. Oh manzzz, i forgot to shake like all their hands and tell them i'll never ever speak to them again for th rest of jc. Got into h3 internal math. Bad choice. Suicide subject. Th calender's packed with alot of activities. Short family holiday in malaysia, followed by philippines service learning trip. On another note, my sister went prom shopping with my mum and grandmum and she bought 2 dresses whilst there was another PURPLE one for me ^^

after pw, the first thing on my to-do list shall be... Something that i've wanted to do for a long time. I swear this time round, it'll be a success :) We all need changes, don't we. Here we go again, that song's stuck in my head oh wow. I want to tell everybody we're through~~~

& then denial. I don't know why this happened. I feel so ignorant. Hello and goodbye, don't want this to ever happen, but it has to (a matter of time). 0648am: Darn message finally came. Then the frantic calls and messages. Think I burst my bill pffft. Anyway, I'm not so psyched up about school anymore. Don't know how the environment in RJC is like, plus I only know of 6 other SC people going RJ. Primary school friends heading for HCI, NJ, VJ, AJ, poly, almost every place except RJ! I think I prefer the environment at HCI, but then I dread waking up to catch the darn bus there. Hahahaha, MRT still much more fun, plus 7eleven! Good ol' Newton days! Went to aunt's house to tutor cousins, and i was going through his science assessment book when i saw this: (click to enlarge!) Omg this one is ultimate funny+cute!