I hate how my fate will be sealed with just that slip of paper.
I hate knowing how fucked up my life will be with just that slip of paper.
I hate knowing how I will hate myself for life with just that slip of paper.
Before getting that back, I must remind myself its not something worth killing myself over.
I will be so wrong to say that 2008 was a fucked up year. Before I get that slip of paper, which will more or less sum up my view of 2008, I should recap 2008 in a more realistic view.
And here’s to the happier moments of 2008;
Chinese O’s results, which made me HAPPY. It’s hard describing my joy, but well, yeaaa. Waiting for the results was antagonizing, what’s with coming close to tears during Physics lessons, getting all my trigo problems wrong during Amath lesson and then almost going to cry out whilst sitting in a column in the Spice Rooms watching each of our schoolmates receive their results. And then at the end of it all, all the overrated and highly exaggerated hugging and crying. Do results really matter, to me, to us, to our parents?
Breakfasting at Causeway with Adria, Eleanor and Kristabelle in February. I know saying this would make me seem like a loser with hardly any life, but I think that was my first time breakfasting before lessons. Hello, since when do we have lessons starting at 10am in the morning? I remembered we were supposed to meet for breakfast on two consecutive days (happy), but I slept through the breakfast date on the second day (sad). And so, we were happy kids when we ordered our Macs. We were happy kids sitting on the bus back to school, of course with feeling so full that we thought we were going to puke.
Mas Selemat’s escape. Call that cheap thrill, seriously. 28 February 2008! Having those cool guys in green patrolling around the school compound, and being ‘escorted’ as you leave the school and walk towards the bus stop is something extraordinary out a mundane school day is something worth remembering isn’t it? I thought being a sec 4 student was sad enough, having to stay in school whilst all of our juniors were in camps/OBS, but well too bad, they didn’t see the fun we had. I remember being very amused and amazed at the size of the patrol dogs/guard dogs, whatever they are. I remember Ms T peering out of the window at Rm 100, telling us ‘hey girls don’t be distracted by the macho guys down there patrolling our school’ when she was the one who was being distracted. That was the day where we felt like we were back in school as primary one kids, with Mr T making us line up in 2s, and then we had to follow closely behind him, all the way out of the school.
Going crazy over Sammul Chan, S and J. So much so that the usual conversations in the courtyard, classroom and lecture theatres revolved around the three of them. Hey, I am not the only one. Kristabelle and Tiffany also both had their fair share of going gaga over other guys. Tiffany and her crush on so many guys. Tsk tsk.
Sports Day 08; 4 Diligence cheer and letting the public know of our cheer through shameless and embarrassing methods. Feeling so high and cheering one round around the track at TP stadium to walking as a class (well, almost) out of the stadium, to the MRT station to cheering in that HDB hub or something and finally to cheering in the train. OMG. How embarrassing can we get? But then, in that moment, did we not forget the stress that all sec 4s had? Did we not unleash that inner craziness and pent up frustrations in us?
Going for Rui En’s autograph session with TH. I swear that was one of the most amazing things that I finally did. I finally accomplished one of the firsts in my life; meeting my idol upclose. Yes, I love her songs, hahaha, and of course, her handwriting very cool LOL.
And now, here’s the more depressing moments in 2008;
2008 started off as a very screwed up year, I remember starting to do the stupid and silly things when Chem and Amath fucked up on me.
The nights when I cried myself to sleep, came to school with eyes looking like they fucking got punched. The cuts, the scratches, and finally how the scars eventually go away. With pain comes the realization that you’re still living, you must fucking get over that part of life.
I cried my shit ass off after english o levels oral and chem. Paper 1. What an incredible way to start and end O’s. And then came the post O’s period where staying at home and allowing my imagination to take me to wherever I wanted was horrendous. Afternoon naps became nightmares; I dreamt of people mugging for HCL, memorizing all the cheem words, whilst there I was staring at them and finding out that I even forgot to bring my dictionary. And yes, I woke up crying.
The fucking mood swings I had, where almost everyone sensed that ‘elizabeth is angry’ aura. I’m sorry, for all the times when I lost it. Honestly, I hate myself for being such a weakling in the face of stress.
Even at home I was being such a bitch. I detest myself for being an unsupporting sister and daughter. I have no idea how my parents, sister and brother dealt with my mood swings, though I knew they must have kept themselves from yelling at me when I answered back to them. I love you sis, for being my night time chat mate, for that listening ear, for the clothes, lovely little gifts like energizing bath wash and body lotion when I complained to you I got tired easily. I love you sis. I know you’re starting to feel the stress that every sec 4 will definitely feel now, I can sense it and well, I understand.
And now I need to thank people for the encouragement and support, I believe it’s definitely harder to make true friends than enemies. Thank you Krissypoo, Tiffy, TH, Sexy, LGF, Yi Ting, Henny Penny Denny Benny, my sis. I love you all, for the postcards+calls+text messages.
I didn’t know spending a day at home could actually allow one to reflect on the past year, with a much more balanced viewpoint, rather than just trying to hate and cast away certain memorable incidents in 2008. Facing the truth is a hard thing, accepting it is mandatory to move on in life. So what if I cannot get my desired score? I cannot possibly wallow in self-pity, cry or cut the whole of my life. No, my parents don’t force it upon me for that X points, it’s something that I set for myself, a goal perhaps so that life wouldn’t seem so meaningless and pointless.
Going out and having fun is just a way to forget reality, but it defeats the purpose that God has set for us. And I am very sure He’ll help me in un-hating myself, and it’s only a matter of time. (:
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